The cankled beast moves,...but not too far

Miss Clicky Knees spent the weekend covering her ears. My love decided to build the cankled beast a new home and we all know how that goes, he has an absolute potty mouth when he has a hammer in his hands. Ok so I haven't totally gotten rid of the beast, but we have sent him to the back of the corral. I am hoping out of sight out of mind.
It rained all weekend on and off and as I don't do mud, I took my meals indoors.
I don't think the woman was very happy about the new arrangement, but really she has been feeding Flower inside ever since we brought home the cankled beast, so why should I be troubled with getting up and going outside and getting my hoofs all muddy.
Old blue eyes is such a copy cat, or goat, whatever..he tried to have his meals indoors as well and that blew the whole lot, the woman won't feed anyone inside anymore, we all, even Miss Clicky Knees, must go out to be fed, hmmmph. So did I mention it seems that old stinky blue eyes has lost a horn. Oh yes the woman was all upset, frankly they were not even real horns some mistake of a cool iron that never finished the job properly. You should have seen it, they put this special powder on him to stop the bleeding, hold the press, stinky blue eyes has a boo boo,...oh yeah there was blood, it was quite disgusting, they ohhh'd and ahh'd over him, poor baby this and that.
My love decided he must have scratched his head on the fencing and pulled it loose.
I hid the wire cutters, no one will ever know the difference, but I think Old Blue eyes got the message loud and clear! Never and I mean never interfere with Appy's game. If I get them feeding me indoors, then you mind your own darn business or you may just be signing up for another clip, there just so happens to be one horn left.
Anyhow, did I tell you about the new chicks? Oh yeah the woman brought home some new chicks. They are actually quite a sight, fluffy feathered little feet and heads, not like the other chickens at all, the woman called them silkies. They are so small the woman keeps them in a brooder, I watch over them. The little bugger sometimes jumps on the brooder, so I of course promptly knocked him across the corral.
The woman brought the little bugger and two of the chicks in her car the other day, Ok yes I was excited, I thought the little bugger was moving on, but he came back to my chagrin and he said that they went to visit the small boy's school. He came home with a bloated belly and nearly passed out, which is kind of funny if you think about how ridiculously thin he is, he looked like Rush Limbaugh pre and post addiction all wrapped into one. He said they kept feeding him an endless supply of treats, he thought he died and went to pasture.
I guess I better be a little nicer to the woman, maybe she will bring me next time, if not I am going to have a word with the little bugger about sharing.
So anyhow, apparently the cankled beast moves out next weekend. Maybe we should throw a party, bon voyage piggo. You can bring the hay and treats and I will bring, well myself, lucky you.
Ok enough for today, my hoofs are a mess from the mud so I am off to get a hooficure, maybe I will have some sparkly polish put on too, why? Because I am sooo worth it.

Hog Wild

Looks like the cankled beast is a little tuckered out, doesn't it? Sometimes, well, one never knows when our prayers will be answered.

Yesterday just about after feed time, my love decided to clean out the barn. He is just so good to me, I love when he adds a nice fresh layer of pine shavings that smell just so yummy and then he tops them off with that marvelous straw to cushion my tushy.

He is just so sweet to me, really.

Well while he was making my loft all purdy, the cankled beast escaped, Hah! I watched on in pure amazement, why had I never thought to just let him loose.

The woman was in some undisclosed location, so it was just the boys and my love chasing the cankled beast, boy can that pig run. He headed straight for the bamboo, the little nuisance. I mean we have all been on lockdown and my love said we must wait until the bamboo grows in more, because well Ms. Clicky knees and Stinky Blue eyes are just pure animal and seemingly decimate the bamboo within minutes. I am not sure why my love is foolish enough to think they just won't eat more and faster, but I guess sometimes he has to learn the hard way.

Anyhow I must admit that my love looked quite silly running after the squeeling cankled beast diving here and there over the ground and into the air. He was calling the cankled beast names that I won't dare repeat. Ms. Clicky knees had to cover her ears and hide under the kiddie slide, she is so pathetic, truly. I mean what does she think this is parochial school?

Inca laughed along with me, of course he always goes too far, he laughed so hard he peed all over himself, not that him peeing on himself is anything new (note to self, don't stand next to stinky boy when he is laughing, I will just end up being a stinky girl, can't have that, what would my love think).

The ducks pointed their wings and chattered on and on about how unfair it was that the pig was freeranging today, when they were in lockdown. The chickens pfftt who knows where they were, they are such tramps, going here and there. They were probably at the neighbors rolling in dirt. Sometimes they are ridiculous, I mean the whole point of taking a bath is to be clean, they take dirt baths???

I just don't get it. I like them well enough ok, but sometimes they are such bird brains.

Anyhow my love dove here and he slid there, the boys were running around behind him, basically useless and to my great disappointedment one of them finally had a moment of brilliance, the woman would never chase the cankled beast, she just shook a cup with feed and the lard arse would come running, so the bigger boy finally came down and got a cup of feed.

So there it was the cankled beast in all his glory sprinting along, the cup shakes and he paused right there in mid air, I swear, and he turned just like one of those acrobats in the circus. Bang just like that, he was off chasing the big kid for feed, heading right on back to the corral. Great! But Oh the look on my love's face, it was a kodak moment if I ever did see one.

To my delight the little bugger bolted out the open corral door and headed for the bamboo now, I thought aha two gone for the price of one. I cheered ok, I did, I just cheered him on. This could be wonderful for me, but no such luck, my love caught him pretty quickly and carried him back and plopped him right back down next to the pig.

Ok I was a little disappointed, I figured they would both get their walking papers,  but nooooooo.

I also must confess just a few minutes later, when the small boy came into the covered run, I went in behind him and put some sap over the latch.  I waited, yes I did, until he pushed the wheel barrel on back out of the run and I opened the door big and wide and I shook the cup, uhuh, and I threw it out of the run. It was beautiful the cankled beast was off again, running full steam ahead for the  cup and then the bamboo. I figured for sure that was that, yup he is a goner. Yet then it happened, my love now a little more savvy, got the cup and shook it with a big grin on now and the cankled beast came right on back snorting and squeeling, the glutton.

In retrospect, I  guess I feel a little bad, my love gave the little boy alot of grief for leaving the door open, but I have to say nothing ventured, nothing gained. We must face reality, there are always casualties in war. Potentially the cankled beast and the little bugger could have been history, it was worth it all. Maybe tommorow I will hide the cup.

Ducks for sale or Rent

I am so excited, My love built me a new feed box this weekend. He said I have to share it with the others. I will of course do just that, like a good little goat.... when he is watching of course.
When he turns his back, all bets are off.
He is such a good man. The only thing that makes me a bit nervous is I see five, count them, five compartments. There are only 4 of us goats, I hope the woman isn't thinking to add another beast to the lot. Of course the last one is smaller, so maybe that's for the little bugger and maybe my love made two compartments just for me, he is so thoughful isn't he?
At first my love put it a bit too high up and the little bugger couldn't reach in, neither could Ms. Clicky Knees. So that made me and ol stinky blue eyes pretty happy. They filled the slots with feed and to my delight the two of us dined our way across, we nearly made it to the end of the line, when the little bugger jumped up on it and promptly dropped a big disgusting pile of goat berries in two of the compartments. Ugh he is so uncouth, so I promptly nailed him to the wall, I mean hey, what is a girl to do.
The cankled beast couldn't reach either, this was good, things seemed to be looking up. Then the woman came down from the house and made my love lower it, so everyone can reach she said. She is such a wretch. That of course doesn't mean Inca and I will have to exactly let them have their way, it just means when my love is around, I will behave.
Anyhow, speaking of reaching they also brought home some new shiny buckets for our water. The woman, who may not be so bright sometimes, professed that our buckets were too tall for us all to drink properly from. She thought that she was being just so darn smart, again let me point out that this is the same broad who sat the cankled beast in the backseat of a her mercedes, letting it muck up the leather for a three hour ride. Anyhow I digress, so it was out with the old in with the new shiny buckets and guess what, trouble came, those pesky little billed mess makers and they stuck their bills in the mud and to their delight they could reach right into our new shiny water buckets, let's now just refer to them as the mud pails.
Apparently they can't swallow unless they have water to chase the feed down their throats, yes I have tucked that bit of knowledge away for future reference I assure you. They eat, then run for a pail of water and scoop up some water and shake the mess down their throats. The problem is that they like to stick their bills in everything, just everything and above all else they especially like the mud and whatever is on their bills ends up in the water, well now MY water. So this is certainly a problem for me. How does one handle such a dilemma, hmmmm, I know, I'm going to put an ad on craigslist!
Let's see....
FREE: Trouble, I suppose cute in some respects, billed monsters, why are we giving them away...oh health problems of course or maybe we are moving, no wait strike that.
FREE: Gourmet Pekin Ducks, to loving homes only. Not for nice sweet juicy roasted duck recipes, you must solemnly swear you won't eat them with boisenberry sauce.
That should take care of it.
Oh are you all wondering about the cankled beast and my ploy of feigning that he attacked me? The woman seemed to know what I was up to as if by osmosis. I fancy myself to be a quite talented thesbian and here I come limping out of the barn, doe eyed, quite pathetic looking if I say so myself. I actually put Ms. Clicky knees to shame and the woman told me to cut the crap. I mean really what's that all about? I don't believe for a moment that she saw through my diabolitical scheme. I can only conclude that someone must have tipped her off or she gained access to my blog. I now have it password protected, so we will make another go of it next weekend when my love is home.

The Cankled Beast

Do you think he is cute? This is the no neck cankled beast and I assure you he is sooo not cute. Yesterday he chased me and ol blue eyes around the farm. He looked like a big fat torpedo heading for us. He jumped up on our loft again and ate all our food. Sure he let's the baby chicks sit on him, even let's the little bugger chew on his ears, but for me, he honestly is disrupting my day.

Things were just perfect out here in the barn before he came to stay. I got the choicest food, the best place to sit, the chickens would sit on my back and now that is all done. Thank goodness he is too short to look out my window at least I have that left.

Feeding time in the morning is just too hectic, the woman, I see her worried about finding a way to get us all fed without headbutting, teeth gnashing and charging.

I actually find myself feeling a bit bad for Flower too, she is slow, not aggressive at all, so Inca and I have been eating most of her food. The woman used to feed her outside after she locked ol blue eyes and I in the stall to eat, but Flower is too afraid of the cankled beast, so she stays inside at feeding time looking all pathetic. This morning the woman moved our feed trough outside so she can feed Flower alone inside. I mean I can understand it, Ms. Clicky knees would surely perish without something to eat and I can't let her pass on. I mean really, how would I procure some extra treats? It's not like stinky blue eyes is going to suddenly become civilized. 

Flower is even more afraid of the cankled beast than Inca and the ducks, this is getting harder and harder I can't even enlist her in his demise in any significant way. Me? Oh let me assure you I am soooo not afraid of him. I run away because I don't rub elbows with such beasts I mean he eats goat poop, can you imagine it?! Even ol Blue eyes hasn't stooped to such levels and he pees on himself when he wants to get lucky.

Anyhow I have been working on my plan. I have decided how to dispose of the cankled beast,  I am going for the sympathy vote. I mean it won't be easy, I haven't been exactly nice to everyone else and the people, they know that. Yet, I believe if I can just make them feel bad for me, the cankled beasts days are numbered.

I have been practicing that wide eyed stare. It's not easy you know to look innocent and scared, but I have watched Flower long enough and I think I can pull it off.

My love, I mean the man, he is home today, it's the weekend. So I am going to wait for him to be out here fixing something in the barn and I will bait the cankled beast into chasing me out of the barn and I will limp, yes I will, even lower my head and open my eyes real wide like a horror screen queen,  I will act as if he bit me with those gnashing teeth of his and the man, he will come to my rescue.

Unbelievable

I have to device a plan. It has to be brilliant. The no neck cankled beast needs to be put in his place. Yesterday at treat time that thing jumped up on our loft. I mean I had to get down, well we all did in unison, even Flower with her crackling knees. I have never seen her move so fast. I laughed so hard I had cud coming out my nose.
The woman, she wouldn't let me butt him.I now see it all so clearly, they actually expect me to tolerate this. I have been talking with my deciples and I decided for us all that we really don't care for him and something must be done post haste.
I don't know what they see in him, he is ridiculous, he lays there like a blob of soppy chicken feed and they ohhh and ahhhh over him. I am not getting as many apples lately either, one for me, one for flower, well I usually take hers, 3 for ol blue eyes, one for the little bugger and one for the cankled beast. Look I am losing out on two apples slices there, potentially more if I could manage to back off ol blue eyes, but even I know when it comes to food he is a slobbering bucky fool.
I am going to go chew some cud and master my plan, maybe we will use the little bugger for bait...If you have any suggestions, please post it in my comment section and I will take it under advisement.

The New Goat and the other thing...

Flower, the Cankled Beast and the little Bugger

So she did it again, the woman. She brought home this very annoying little goat, with some ridiculous name from a Disney cartoon. They call him Nemo. I don't really care he is the "little bugger" to me and all I want to do is butt him within an inch of his life.
You know I recall a time when it was just me and the little goat Sammy who came with me to the farm so long ago. There were only some chickens and ducks to contend with and well don't tell anyone, but I like the chicks, ahem anyhow, Sammy got very sick. The people tried everything to save him. When they finally realized what was wrong with him, it was too late. Everyone was so very sad around here. Sammy had really made everyone smile, even myself and trust me I don't do that very often. Flower came to live with us about the same time, I didn't like her at all, but after Sammy passed on I guess I became a little nicer to Flower. I'm sorry I can't really talk about that right now, I think my alleries are acting up.

Anyhow, Flower, I call her Ms clicky knees. She is a goat and well she is annoying ok, but hey she was all I had besides the chickens and the chickens don't exactly let me boss them around,...I mean, I don't really try to boss them around, they are too far beneath me, I mean they have feathers, uck.
You know Flower and I did pretty good with eachother. She understood that I am supreme queen of the farm and she above all else knew the golden rule, no one and I mean NO ONE get's to look out my window. It's Appy's window. It's just the best view of the place. I can tell if the people are home. I can see if the chickens are out running around or in getting ready to eat, which means I should be ready to eat their meal. I can even see the filthy little feathered beastly ducks that I merely refer to as trouble, splashing in their little pond.
It's a good life here, even when they brought the stinky one to come stay. He smells, ok, not so bad either. It smells kind of like love is in the air, well if you were into that sort of thing. He has blue eyes too and let me tell you a goat with blue eyes, just melts a does heart, ya know? Well at least that's what Flower tells me. I showed him who was boss, he got the golden rule quickly down. Don't tell Flower, but sometimes I let the smelly one, oh his name is Inca just in case it holds any relevence, I let him peek out my window sometimes, especially when he is riper than a skunk. I will tell you a bit more about Old stinky blue eyes some other time.
Right now the issue is the little bugger they brought home. Ok I will admit it, he is a bit cute, alot like Sammy. He is smaller than me, even smaller than Flower, but Flower that's a whole other story. She is a pygmy, not a nigerian like us, she looks like a barrel with an almost nonexistant udder.
The little bugger they call Nemo, he sort of looks alot like me, same lovely blonde hair, even his eyes have that look of spun gold just like mine. H e is pretty well proportioned. But I hate him, it's that simple, he just annoys me.
Who does he think he is trying to come stay in my barn. I didn't think I would have to worry about the golden rule with him. I wasn't even going to let him sleep up on the loft. The first night I banished him to the chicken coop to sleep with that other thing, the short fat thing with a nonexisting neck and cankles.
I wonder how they liked that, ducks below you, chicken steady pooping above you, Ha! that will show them.
I tried to get stinky blue eyes in on the ordeal, you know he has semi horns and all, but noooooo second night out he let the little bugger sleep with him, so much for no loft. I couldn't do anything about it, My love, he is the man of the people, he watched me til way past my bedtime. Everytime I went to nail the little bugger he opened the door and yelled at me.
I finally just got too tired and fell asleep. Oh and Flower, useless, her and those clicky knees, the little bugger can hear her coming. So he runs before she ever makes contact. So it is all up to me to make his life about as miserable as possible, maybe then they will stop bringing these new oddities to the farm.
You know Flower did cause some serious trouble, she isn't that bright you know. She got the cankled beast all in a huff. I soooo underestimated that one. He looked just plain stupid, ok? They call him Wilbur, it's supposed to be cute, I don't see it, maybe it's a pig thing. Well you know the little cankled beast has teeth and two of them are a little ominous looking. Well that nitwit Flower kept going after him, he was wagging his tail incessantly, so I could see her point. I mean happy beast, so fun to ruin their day!
Now he runs around head butting us and gnashing his teeth our way. I don't know if he actually would do us any damage, but as long as he keeps his hindside out of my feed box, I might be able to ignore his presence and none of us will have to find out what damage he could do.
If Flower keeps messing with him though, I'm just going to say it, the girl is on her own.  I mean above all else, he can't even see out my window, so not much for me to worry myself about.
Oh one more thing, the cankled beast, he seems to like the little bugger! He even let's the little bugger nibble his ears. I mean what's that all about, gnashing his teeth at my girl Flower and he even chased ol' stinky blue eyes, but that bugger gets to chew his ears. I am going to have to do a little thinking on this while I chew some cud.
Until next time, ..